<wednesday january 28, 2004 - 7:40 a.m.>

Cindy: you need this. (!)

-

Mark made fun of me for buying six large (I'm talking 750 G) containers of yogurt the other day.

He didn't understand that there was method to my madness... but more on this later.

This morning I have been assigned to help out at Emma's nursery school. Lord grant me the strength and the patience to squeeze other wiggly children into their respective snow gear.

First I must have a second coffee. I might not make it otherwise. These little creatures can smell fear a mile away. :)

a.

<sunday january 25, 2004 - 9:20 p.m.>

Warning: many words, many tangents, much confusion.

It was just me, skulking around the Ottawa Renovation Show in my oversized and infamously hated green winter coat.

When I'm out and about like this I secretly worry that I'm going to run into Someone Important, like an ex-boyfriend or someone I need to impress not only with my dazzling charms but with a good haircut and fluffy and long eyelashes.

So I usually make an effort to look satisfactory, if not fabulous. At the very least, there is always The Lipgloss. As I've mentioned here before, the superpowers that come with The Lipgloss are extraordinary. With my Lipgloss (that be the strawberry roll-on kind with embedded glittery bits) I could probably argue a successful case in front of an army or corporate lawyers, assist in a birth (not my own), fly an airplane, or wax poetic on a stage. This is The Power of The Lipgloss.

Anyway, the coat was messing things up for me, cloaking my cute sweater and making my shoulders sag under the weight of its down poofiness. In fact, I felt akin to a fat old trout, swimming against a torrent of slender sardines in rough waters. Argh. (Cindy, I can hear what you're saying.)

As I browsed through the different kiosks I realized I hadn't formulated a plan. Before I left I was much too preoccupied with emptying one smaller purse into second larger purse, and making sure I didn't forget anything critical. So here are the contents of the purse, itemized by descending order of importance:

- Lipgloss
- Notebook
- Pen
- Wallet
- Ticket
- Camera
- Hand Sanitizer
- Phone

(I can survive for weeks on what I carry in my purse!)

I had to come up with a plan of attack, or at least, figure out what it is that I was looking for, and for what areas of the house. Here was my mental list, which basically outlines everything that is wrong with that we want to do to our house:

1. Downstairs powder room
- Need general decorating ideas, new fixtures and furniture (i.e. sink and toilet)

2. Front entrance/vestibule/foyer
- Need samples of similar types of renovations in similar kinds of homes (Circa 1943, which, in housing terms is otherwise known as The Year They Didn't Think They Needed Storage)

3. Basement
- General decorating ideas
- Possible contractors

4. The Addition - aka The Reno of all Renos - an addition to be stuck on the back of our home, one which would span two stories and give us a huge chunk of much-needed space. This would include an expanded kitchen and living room, a new sunny family room and as yet unplanned reconfiguration of the bedrooms on the upper storey.

So, basically I was looking for everything.

As I walked around, my overall feeling was one of depression, balanced with an equal amount of fear and dread. It was getting close, but not quite becoming, a panic attack.

This happens to me almost exclusively when I'm shopping. I am struck by an intense sense of being overwhelmed that brings on an irrational impulse to flee to premises.

The last times this happened to me I was at Sassy Bead Co. Imagine being surrounded by 100,000 teeny glass jars (each containing 1000 or so teeny beads), a wall of clasps, cords and other hardware, and then having to choose something from out of all this. If you don't have a plan in mind you're pretty much screwed.

As I write this I realize that my problem occurs when excessive quantity clashes with a personal lack of preparation.

The other time I remember, I was shopping for children's clothes at The Bay, where they were having a clearance sale. There were racks upon racks, piles upon messy piles…

Alone, (and probably tired, hungry, and sweating in an ugly green coat) I remember feeling like I was going to be buried in an avalanche of pint-sized clothing. Who would save me? The nonexistent sales girls?

Ok ok, back to the Reno Show, where every single person in attendance is living in a place which needs a boost, big or small. A place where people will actually pay admission to hear sales pitches because they are desperately seeking information, contacts, brochures, anything that will allow him/her to feel like they're doing something about their bathroom/basement/whatever.

This is a place where the women are usually seen leading their husbands on short leashes.

"John, this is exactly the kind of accent piece I wanted ! See, it matches the flecks of sunset gold in the ceramic tiles in the backsplash under the venetian cabinetry in the mudroom!"

John is bleary eyed, visibly exhausted, possibly on his last legs, but he nods and follows.

I was walking along when I noticed there was a very large crowd gathering at the intersection of two aisles. There were so many people that I had to push through, and then, like a person driving past the scene of an accident I had to slow down and see what the heck was going on.

There was such a crowd that I surmised it could only be something that fell into one of the following categories:

S¢x/nudity - Given the theme of this show, could it be a scantily-clad lady demonstrating a new kind of hot tub or massaging shower?
Celebrity sighting - Wait, in Ottawa? If so, it could be Tom Green or Alanis. But what would they be doing here, at the Renovation Show?
Free food or other swag

As I got closer I saw that the crowd was standing in front of a model of a home, ok, just one wall of a home, darkly paneled with furnishing scattered around. A 'fire' crackled in the 'fireplace,' and there, on the wall, hung a very large flatscreen television, and on it, wailing and groovin', booty a shakin', and singing up a storm was J.Lo. This is what was holding up traffic. This was the most popular exhibit in the whole show.

So, I guess I was right about two out of three, huh?

I left the show, empty-handed but for a bag of brochures and business cards. Jayzus - this is going to be a lot of work, I thought as I quickmarched across the frozen parking lot.
Why can't a fairy just show up and do it all for us? A fairy with a big wallet and great taste?

On the way home I stopped in at Loomis and bought beautiful paper (this is a swatch from one) and a killer pen, just because it made me happy. And it did. :)

a.

<friday january 23, 2004 - 11:00 p.m.>

This is the big geek that I am:

If I'm not making crafts I'm scanning them and making a little web presentation out of them.

These are a few of my Artist Trading Cards, in case you wonder what the heck it is that you're looking at.

p.s. If you live on this planet you are very likely to be familiar with a store whose name contains a combination of three vowels and hard-sounding consonant (one that sounds remarkably like a bursting artery), and also happens to be Swedish for Mass Produced Minimalism and Cheap Hot Dogs ...

Quick, what is it?

Ah, you guessed. And so in that case you will probably find this funny: The Non-Expert: IKEA. And if you have ever played video games and know what a walkthrough is, you will find it even funnier. I promise.

Have a good weekend! I'm heading for the Ottawa Renovation Show! Photos may be pending.

andrea